February 24, 2010 at 12:04pm
I know that because pastors get up on stage every weekend and talk about the Word of God that everyone thinks that we are the most secure people in the world and that nothing really hurts us. We are these indestructible forces who need to perform up to par week in and week out. We can never say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, in essence we have to be perfect.
One of the things that I struggle with is that I hope that every weekend that people like what I communicate. I determine for some reason that the amount of praise I get determines my value. I don’t know why I think this way, but actually I do. The reason why is that just like most people out there, I am insecure. I allow my perceived value and worth to be determined by others. I know that it looks like I have it all together because I talk about the issues of everyday life and how to handle them according to God’s Word, but the reason I know how to handle them is cause I am going through them myself. I am not indestructible, perfect or got it all together. I am just normal and trying to figure it all out. I am self conscience and struggle with not having it all together.
February 18, 2010 at 6:34pm
One of the things that I have struggled a lot with in life is the fact that I don’t have a lot of formal education. I always have this bit of a chip on my shoulder because of it. I feel like I have to work a lot harder to prove myself because I don’t have a piece of paper that says I endured school. The question that I fear internally the most is the question of, “What qualifies you to be a pastor?”
I did attend an institute of ministry called Rhema Bible Training Center in Tulsa, Ok. but did not finish. I got hired by a church after my first year and never returned to finish up my degree. Because I don’t have a degree I have always felt like a less than and that I didn’t know enough. The real problem with this thinking is that I have always felt like I have had to make up my inadequacies by outworking everyone else. I told my pastor and mentor Randy Bezet one day that a lot of people are smarter, better looking, more educated and have more potential but it is really hard to beat someone in life who doesn’t sleep. I have made it my mission to outwork anyone and by doing that I can beat anyone. The thing that you don’t realize when you outwork everyone is that you truly sacrifice other areas of your life.
I would say that there have been times that I have had an affair on my wife. It was never with a person but with my work. There were times when I loved my job more than I loved her. There were times that I would sacrifice for the church but would not budge for her. All because of my insecurity in feeling less than I would hurt the one person who thought I was a more than.
I am totally not qualified by peoples standards to be a pastor of a church, but I am qualified by God’s. That is the thing that I had to learn. I had to learn that he was the one that called, qualified, and equipped not some person or institution. I had to learn that my greatest and first ministry started first and foremost in my home with my wife, who is my partner. I am so thankful for an amazing woman that I get to do life with everyday who I love more than life itself.
God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
by T.J.
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